Everything is all up in the air. All exploded and broken.
It's sad and beautiful and maybe a blessing. But I hate that word; Blessing. It's so empty and full of unfulfillable promises.
I've never been that close to death. No one close to me has passed in my lifetime... I've lost animals, which is a terrible pain, but not a human life. I'm terrified of it.
Even a tiny life... one that hasn't even breached the outside. For it to die is one of the greatest pains I've ever felt. So small and yet it effects so many.
My heart is so sore. It's not the usual pain either... rather a dull ache that permeates my entire being. Everything is wrong.
OHFUCK these goddamn cliches. Someone needs to go crazy with a jack-hammer on my head till it's flat and oozing; till the electrical currents - neurons firing back and forth, chemical messages sent to the regions left for suffering - till it all ends.
I'm not angry. I'm not angry at anyone, anything, myself. Very strange. I just want it to be quiet and for everything to just STOP. My life isn't even that HARD!! It's watching the rest of the world. It's feeling pain that I feel I don't deserve to feel. That I shouldn't feel. There's that 'should' word again. SCREW YOU.
Now I'm angry. That wasn't that hard haha.
Dinner and a movie. That's what's on the agenda. Then home, more brooding, missing you, hating you, and then hating YOU. And then feeling guilty. I need a life. And hopefully no one will read this. I should just erase all of this but I am confident in it not attracting much attention. If any.
This halting, idiotic writing is getting on my nerves, but it is slightly calming so I'll just keep going.
I'm disappointed in you Max. I know you're a better person than this, and I know you're hurting, but pull your fucking self together. Be there for the one person that will NEVER leave your side. And no, I'm not talking about me. Whatever I'm worth to you can't be more than the dirt under your nails, but I seriously don't care. JUST FIX IT! She doesn't deserve any of this.
FUCK ALL OF YOU!
hahahahahhahahahahaha